Forgiveness

Lovely Brother

You have hurt my family so. If it isn’t attacking our father for his imperfections and how he has seemingly made you into a monster it is our mother because she has wronged you in some made up way that you hold so tightly to. We are only 17 months apart and the childhood you relive and cling to is so foreign to mine, how can that be? Except for the fact that a bitter heart stores up lies to stoke its fires with and for that I feel so sorry for you. You say you are alone in this world and everyone hates you and no one understands you and everyone owes you so much. You are right about one thing, you are alone because you don’t rely on Jesus and you have driven the rest of us away. Those of us you “allow” in your life is just so they can listen to you go on about how great and superior you are, when we all know that you are really dying inside more each day. How has this made me feel towards you?
Utter hatred, I loath you with a loathing I’ve not felt since our dad fully lost his mind and the fallout from that had me reeling. Today, I heard a wonderful sermon on Jesus discussing forgiveness. I learned that sadly, both parties have to be seeking the Lord and reconciliation. Since you do not seek reconciliation but worship and for us to bow down to you and your delusions, I have to settle for working this out in my own heart with the Lord. I realized that I would have to first see what the Word says about forgiveness.
There is Matthew 18: 21 and onwards. Jesus tells Peter that we are to forgive 70 times 7. That is 490 times so for a moment I thought I could make a list of all the things I’m angry with you about and if it exceeded 490 times, which I was sure it would, I was off the hook! I could hate you and never forgive you! I was beginning to rejoice in the release from this duty, when I read on. Jesus told the parable of the king, who forgave a huge debt and then the servant wouldn’t forgive a small one and so he was imprisoned because he could not forgive. I reread the Lord’s prayer that said, Forgive me as I forgive others who trespass against me. Ouch, I knew that I had sinned against the Lord far worse than you against us no matter how much hurt and destruction you had caused. Then I read Mark 11:25,
“And whenever you stand praying, if you have anything against anyone, forgive him that your Father in heaven may also forgive you your trespasses.” He keeps repeating that truth. I had learned from Dad that this was true, but how was I going to forgive you, when you do not even want forgiveness. In your arrogant, self-righteous state of I am better than the whole world and smarter too, you would never accept this gift and would be angered and run away from me for even offering it. So how was I going to forgive you? That was when I remembered that I couldn’t. I admit it, I can’t forgive you. The flesh that is Dani wants to lash out at you. I want to tell you all about how much of an idiot I think you are and that you need to look into your own heart and mind to find your problem because that is the only cause. I want to scream,
“How could you repeat dad’s former insanity when you know it was crap? Are you stupid? Do you not see that the only enemy of you is you?” However, I must refrain, because a bitter heart is also a blind heart and it wouldn’t matter how loud I screamed it, you would not hear it and would only become darker and angrier.
So I have to run to the Lord and the Holy Spirit to fill me with forgiveness for you. I realized as I sat there thinking about you that I was having a tough time recalling good times, all I could remember was the pig. This was wrong, I knew that, there were many good times and I had to find them. I had to relive them and hold on to them because they were the truth. What you have become is as much a lie as what you hold so near to your heart to justify your horribleness. This brother was not really my brother but an ugly heart-sick flesh-trapped brother that I needed to love anyway, I needed to remember him before he got sick. It was then that I remembered our great-grandma, dying of cancer and what our lovely Mother said to me once,
“Dani, don’t worry about going to see her now, remember her from before she got so so sick.” And that my brother was what I was going to do for you, remember you from before you got so sick.
I remembered our dancing to Psalty and the Music Machine, singing Bullfrogs and Butterflies. How we would sing Humble Thyself in the sight of the Lord in perfect harmony in the bathroom, a round even, that is how talented we were!
I cried as I remembered basketball until 4 in the morning during those lovely summer nights and Mom making us funnel cakes for breakfast. How many times we were on a team and Josh and who ever was on his team would beat us every time, or we would split up and what ever team had Josh would win every time.
I laughed as I remembered the time you chased down a baby mouse with a shovel and accidentally cut off his nose. The look of horror on your face, and you were going to kill them any way!
There was the snake that you told me to shoot inside your mind, and I argued with you out loud, freaking you out because apparently now your sister could read your mind.
I remembered working in the garden with you and bike riding until we collapsed. Races against the oncoming rain and the mud war we both lost so badly. To the point we looked like towers of mud with eyes! Chopping the pine wood for mom, helping grandpa gather wood, bring in potatoes or clean animals, what ever was on the menu that week.
Picnics to the secret place with Mom and how you and Mom accidentally dropped me in the water. That was so funny!
I thought about shucking corn in the yard and the wonderful play we wrote but never got to perform. “No Excuses” would have been a hit, had we ever been able to get the funding for production!
Our tree cave in the back yard, how much fun! I remembered the later years, when somehow school became an issue and competition between us grew fiercely. I couldn’t believe the difference, we were lost unto each other for a while. But like a breath of spring fresh air, there was the post high school years. When I was in college and then we were friends. How you and my college best friend dated for a while and those were some great times too! There was the Chicago field trip and the Marine Pool function. There was the good bye for your boot camp and the hello at your graduation. There were the road trips to visit me in California and I you. Both Marines and both siblings, the hilarious visits and then you found the woman of your dreams.
You know it seems at this point our story ends, for some reason you became very sick and it looks like it might be terminal. But I love you always, I cling to these memories and many more. I will relive them each time I nearly get distracted by the sick brother who now inhabits your face, voice and body. I forgive you and when you are not sick any more, when you finally learn that God has to fix you from the inside out and that there is no one in the world to blame for your problems, I will be there, waiting with open arms. Until then, forgive me for keeping you at arms length, for not wanting to be around you so that you can hurt me again. For not visiting or talking to you, because I want to remember you before you got sick.

Fighting PMS

(Princess/Prince Mentality Syndrome)

Permit me to set the stage, the alarm clock goes off and it is way too early! You smack the top of it hard enough to bruise and find yourself hoping your hand actually went through it, knowing it would just have to be replaced and that would make you more angry, you’re happy to find you hand just stings. The first cognoscente thought to fly across your mind is
“Why me, God?” You drag your nearly lifeless body out of bed and make your way to the lou, when you would rather turn around and throw the covers over your head. You turn the shower on and cold water hits your body for 2 seconds before the warm hits and you nearly scream into the yet silent house.
“God, really, I’m up, can’t this be any easier?” You get to work and after you have fought for parking, spilt coffee onto your shirt, tripped over a crack in the sidewalk and collapsed into the chair at your desk, you are convinced that no one could possibly have it worse than you. You start to make a list of everything that is wrong in your life and by 0845 you are pretty sure that if the world knew what you were going through they would pay you to sleep in and stay home, just like Elton John. There is an example of someone who could not give two hoots about Jesus and he has life so good, why do I struggle? You think,
“God, why do I have to be apart from my spouse? I know loads of people that hate their spouse, they would love the vacation! But mine, whom I love and adore, You send away?” By noon, you are sure that God has been confused about what was in your best interest, because He has promised to give you a hope and a future, not break your heart, right? You get in the car to go home, which is this empty lifeless, but for the dog, building, wrapped in memories of your spouse, he is on the couch, the bed, in the kitchen or upstairs. You go to the kitchen and you are sure that he would be cooking dinner just now in some parallel existence, because you still are too pregnant sick to cook. You cry out to the Lord and say,
“God, this is too hard, I am all alone, why has this happened and why does it still happen?” This is a demonstration of what I refer to as the Princess Mentality Syndrome(PMS), if you are male, it would be prince, but the idea is the same. You can’t see past your own troubles to realize that others have it loads worse, or even look to see what the Lord is doing in your life with all the circumstances in it, good or bad.(Romans 8:28)
It is then out of the darkened haze that has become your PMSing heart, a voice says,
“Pray and be with Me.” My voice came in the form of my Pastor’s wife and she said,
“Dani, read and study Philippians 3. That should help you.” I thought sure, I’ll read it why not. Once PMS sets in, I really just want my husband, nothing else will do but I’ll humor her. It is so funny to think that PMS is a symptom of the heart, a heart that really needs God to get in there and clean it out, to once again be made number one, but I always just want my spouse. This cycle has been happening since my husband left but thankfully, God has placed people in my life to tell me where I should really be going.
So when I studied Philippians 3, what did I learn? First, I like to learn the context in which a book of the bible was written. It gives me a better idea of the situation that the disciple or prophet was coming from. In the case of Philippians. Paul was in prison in Rome awaiting a sentence that would most probably be death. Nero was the emperor during Paul’s imprisonment for Christ(Phil 1:13). A brief history lesson, Nero blamed the Christians for the burning of a section of Rome(a section he conveniently wanted to clear for his own purposes) and subsequently began years of persecution. He used to burn their bodies to light the circus races. # Since the entire palace guard knew that he was a Christian,(Phil 1:13) the chances of him getting a “fair” trial was slim to none. Yet, he rejoiced!
So, what is Philippians about? What does Paul advise those who love Jesus to do. Rejoice in all things . . .
“Yes, and I will continue to rejoice, for I know that through your prayers and the help given by the Spirit of Jesus Christ, what has happened to me will turn out for my deliverance.”(Phil 1:18-19)
“Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!”(Phil 4:4) Here from prison, awaiting death, he says to rejoice in the Lord. Philippians is only four chapters long, very short. In the whole book, Paul mentions rejoicing six times!
What is my problem? I’m making my husband’s and I’s first baby, I am awaiting his joyful homecoming, God has given me a family and love on this earth and I’m complaining . . .I have no excuse, Paul was a human sold out for Christ, so much so that he was beheaded for being Christian.#(Little Christ is what that word meant originally and was meant as an insult) I was shocked to realize that one of the most prolific writers of the New Testament, was so very persecuted! I had not considered how much,
“been in prison more frequently, w been flogged more severely, x and been exposed to death again and again. y
2Co 11:24 Five times I received from the Jews the forty lashes z minus one.
2Co 11:25 Three times I was beaten with rods, a once I was stoned, b three times I was shipwrecked, c I spent a night and a day in the open sea,
2Co 11:26 I have been constantly on the move. I have been in danger from rivers, in danger from bandits, in danger from my own countrymen, d in danger from Gentiles; in danger in the city, e in danger in the country, in danger at sea; and in danger from false brothers. f “#
So, I thought to myself, if a great disciple had problems, why did PMS come out of me at all? Should I not expect troubles if I am walking with the Lord? Jesus said,
Jn 15:18 “If the world hates you, t keep in mind that it hated me first.
Jn 15:19 If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own. As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you u out of the world. That is why the world hates you. v #
So I should rejoice!!! Because it is so hard, because sometimes I feel like nothing is going right, even God’s own Son had troubles, He was persecuted and crucified! He came in love, He came to save us from Hell, a fate worse than death! He came to bring us unto Himself and the world killed Him for it! He knew the most horrible pain to save me! Thankfully, He ascended to heaven to be our great intercessor and will come back to get those who believe in Him and His gift to us!(Romans 10:9) Because I am His the world will hate me and I am so thankful for that! The more they hate me, the more I love the Lord, the more I should be rejoicing because I am really free!
I have to stop the PMS, I have to stop focusing on myself and my problems, I must look at the bigger picture, chase after Jesus and wait until I get my hubby back! I must count my blessings and realize that it could be so much worse in a world filled with hate, rage, anger, hunger, murder and every other ugly thing! Someday, Jesus is coming back to clean house, these ugly things will be taken away, in the mean time, I’m to focus on Him, rejoice in Him, be thankful that He opened my eyes to His truth and thank Him for the sweet beauties that He fills my life with!

# NIV Archaeological Study Bible 2005,pg 1931 Zondervan, Grand Rapids, Michigan.
# http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paul_of_Tarsus#Arrest_and_death
# The Holy Bible, New International Version. Pradis CD-ROM:2Co 11:23.
# The Holy Bible, New International Version. Pradis CD-ROM:Jn 15:18.

Freedom WITH responsibility not from it.

Many Christians think just like this:
“I am an adult and responsible for my own life. What I do and how I act has no bearing on others and their walk with the Lord so they should stop looking to me for an example.” Or there is this one,
“The liberty in Jesus means I can do what I want and everyone just needs to watch out for their own. If I want to do this and that, I can and if they can’t, well, then don’t!” Our hearts have become so selfish and hard towards our brothers and sisters in Christ, not only them, but the unbelieving world. Like Cain, we say, “Am I my brother’s keeper?“ (Gen 4:9) Unbelievers look at us and they see no difference; divorce, alcoholism, drug addicts, sex addicts, active homosexuals and active single heterosexuals. These people are not struggling to fight the vice, they walk in it joyfully saying,
“Jesus set me free to sin, I’ll be fine!” These Christians(and I used to be one of them) grab onto verses like,
“All things are lawful for me, but all things are not helpful. All things are lawful for me, but I will not be brought under the power of any.“(1Corinthians10:23) And this is where most Christians stop, never reading on through to verse 33. If we did, the whole Christian community would look so different that many in the world would run after Jesus. They would learn that we are supposed to consider one another in all things and if something we are doing affects the conscience of a person in our presence, we are to not do it. In other words, if I think that drinking a wine cooler on a Saturday in my back yard pool is fine, than it is fine. However, if one of my younger Christian friends feels it could destroy me or that it is wrong, I will have a pool party just for me the following Saturday and keep the wine cooler in the fridge. I am to do all in my power not to stumble a brother or sister in Christ.
Grant it, there are many Christians who fight the good fight with God’s help against their own flesh but this is the silent minority. Mostly, the unbelieving world sees the rest and says,
“Why should I believe in Jesus, I’ll be the same, not full, not at peace, not content, not calm or joyful and I‘m sick of chasing things to make my heart feel better!” The loud majority are making Jesus look like a liar! Jesus told the truth when He said,
“Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30 Also the verse Romans 15:13 says it beautifully,
“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with the hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.”
These Freedom from responsibility Christians asked Him to take over their life one day and have spent the rest of their days chasing things of this world and living in selfish inconsideration of their brothers and sisters in Christ and unbelievers. In buying into the world’s lie of what is good for another might not be so for a different person, what I love to call “Moral Ambiguity,“ they have stumbled brothers and sisters in Christ, something we have been told not to do,
“Do not destroy the work of God for the sake of food. All things indeed are pure, but it is evil for the man who eats with offense.” What does this mean? If you are doing something that your conscience bothers you about or a brother’s or sister’s conscience bothers them about stop. Especially while they are around.
“So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God. Do not cause anyone to stumble, whether Jews, Greeks or the Church of God” 1 Corinthians 10:31-32. Jon Courson wrote commentaries on the WHOLE bible and I use them in my studies, he points out that Paul gave us a guideline in three questions from this verse. Anything you are about to do as you strive to walk with Jesus should be filtered through these three questions,
1) Can I thank the Lord in it?
2) Will God be glorified through it?
3) Will someone be tripped up by it?

If you can’t remember those three questions, I think the question from the book, In His Steps by Charles Sheldon, fabulously wrapped them into one question, “What would Jesus do?” This will answer all three and if Christians seriously asked themselves this question we would turn the world upside down!! We would have our liberty in Christ and it would be right, Freedom with Responsibility!
Having once thought in this fashion, I lived for three years in the idea that I was free from responsibility, I hate to think how many unbelievers I turned away from the Lord. I hate to think how many sisters and brothers in Christ I stumbled and for that I am so sorry. God has used this past year and 8 month separation from my soul to teach me, that He gave me freedom from my sin, not from responsibility. He saved me from this lie! The fullness and peace I have in Him now I cannot describe. I love being with Him and fellowshipping with Him and my brothers and sisters in Christ! He has filled the Jesus-shaped hole in my heart and I am content. He promises that He will do just that in Daniel 11:35,
“Some of the wise will stumble, so that they may be refined, purified and made spotless until the time of the end, for it will still come at the appointed time.” God plucked my selfish walk from me and because He is so good and loving He took the extreme measures necessary to get it done. Thank God that He opened my eyes to His truth and gave me the courage to say yes and follow Him! Christians will stumble and the world uses that at every chance to point out the lie that is Jesus to use it as an excuse to stay lost. To those of us striving to stay upright, remember that Jesus gave us this gift of salvation and freedom and when we fall, He is the one there to pick us up and dust us off, just like a great big dandy daddy does when his toddler topples. Daddy knows his baby is going to fall, but he walks with him, waiting to pick him up, what a beautiful picture of Jesus with us! I love the story of the Pharisees who came to the disciples and asked them why Jesus ate with tax collectors and sinners? Jesus hearing them replied,
“It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. But go and learn what this means: “I desire mercy, not sacrifice.” For I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners.” Matthew 9:11-13 What an amazing truth? We have no mercy for ourselves when we stumble, the world will crucify us if they catch the fall but the only perfect being to walk the face of the planet, God in man, His only begotten Son, came to save the stumbling, bumbling sinners who are willing to run to His arms! It boggles my mind and I just fall more in love with Him every day!
So if we started living in the freedom of Christ with Responsibility what would happen? I think we would turn the world upside down, they would see these masses claiming to be in love with Jesus who looked so different for the most part. Sure, they would see the trips, but they would see the mercy that we used in response to one another and to them as unbelievers. It is not about the stumbling as a Christian, if you stumble or you stumble someone else, go to
God for help in getting up, help your brother and sister in Christ by apologizing and dusting them off. How amazing would that be? My mom used to say to me,
“Dani, life is going to knock you down, you’ll get bruised and hurt, but it isn’t about the wounds and falling, it is about getting up!” And so it is in our walk with the Lord, do not revel in the falling, do not stay on the ground, rejoice when you run to the Lord for help in getting up!

Self -Righteous vs. Jesus’ Righteousness

We’ve all been there; we look at someone else’s life and stand in awe at how bad they are messing it up. We say things like if that was me . . .Right, if it was, what would you do? Wouldn’t the same life experiences have shaped you similarly or is it your superior brain housing group that would make sure you didn’t “screw it up?” Are you sure your way would be better? Romans 3:9-10 says it all:
“What then? Are we better than they? Not at all. For we have previously charged both Jews and Greeks that they are all under sin. As it is written: There is none righteous; no not one.” Right, so that means no, I wouldn’t do it better. That means I am supposed to pray for people not second guess them, not judge their decisions. That is very hard for humanity to do, we for some reason not only like to blame others for our problems, we also want to change others.
So what are we to do about ourselves? Why is it so easy to find fault in others but not ourselves. Well, like our Superhero will save us from Hell, He will also save us from the loveless, lonely existence on earth that self-righteousness brings.
First, Jesus will save us from our inability to see our own wickedness. You ask, how is that? I live in this body, I know what I think and feel! I hate to be cliché but since it would be yourself looking at yourself it would be the equivalent of the blind leading the blind. Proverbs 21:2 says:
“Every way of a man is right in his own eyes, But the Lord weighs in the hearts.” This verse tells me two things. First, it confirms what I had been saying but it points out that all I can see about people are their actions. I do not know their hearts, their intentions or their strivings! I only see the cover of the book and we would never judge a book by its cover.(sorry for another cliché) So now what? We want to admit we have sin, this is the first step to turning around(the meaning of the word repent). However if we do 1 John 1:8,
“If we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us.” we can go no further. Once we have that sorted we must as the Lord to reveal our hearts to us, like David, the Psalmist did in Psalm 139:23-24,”
“Search me, O God, and know my heart; Try me, and know my anxieties; And see if there is any wicked way in me. And lead me in the way everlasting.” God will be faithful to your prayer and gently reveal to you areas He intends to shape like Jesus. At this point I must emphasize that the focus needs to be on God, not our short comings and not others‘. If you go to Him and lay your prayer at the feet of Jesus - He will take care of he rest. Just like a doctor cannot cure a disease by focusing on symptoms, sin is simply a symptom of something darker that only God can heal so we keep on our knees and keep praying Psalm 139:23-24.
Secondly, we don’t think about how the Lord should shape and change others. Our walk with the Lord should be our greatest concern. Others’ issues are smoke and mirrors that keep us from running to the Lord for OUR healing! Jesus was emphatic about this in Matthew 7:5,
“Hypocrite! First remove the plank from your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck out from your brother’s eye.” This means even towards people in the church. Many times people look at actions of people to determine the reality of Christ. This is a bad move because all are bad carbon copies. We are all at different places in our walk and must focus on loving one another. Romans 14:12 says,
“So then each of us shall give account of himself to God.” That means other people’s beliefs and actions will not matter - what did we decide for ourselves? Did we accept Him and chase hard after Him? I think of parents with children, my own Mom in fact. I remember once getting in trouble for something I did at a friend’s house. I remember saying,
“Mom, every one was watching Alien!” She put her head into her hands and looked up into my face and said,
“Darling, I don’t care what they all were doing, I care about what you were doing.” What an amazing picture of Jesus! I don’t want to be standing before Him and say,
“I thought it was good enough to be just that bit more committed to You than my neighbor because they said they were a Christian and they did this and that . . “ Jesus would look into my face, eyes filled with love and the mist of imminent tears,
“But Dani, I’m concerned about you, their walk and life is not your own. I was the standard not your neighbor.”
So now I’m asking the Lord to show me my heart, I’ve stopped comparing myself to others and stopped judging others. Although I am sure I will have to pray for continual help in this as I am human and judging is what humans do.
So now what? Help our brothers and sisters in Christ! We are to love each other with the love Christ pours into us. That means unconditional, that means agape! 1 John 3:16 says it best,
“By this we know love, because He laid down His life for us. And we also ought to lay down our lives for the brethren.” So we are to love them so much we would die for them, we cannot do that without the power of the Holy Spirit. How would it look in reality? How would our actions show that love?
Romans 15:1
“We then who are strong ought to bear with the scruples of the weak, and not to please ourselves.”
Colossians 3:13
“bearing with one another, and forgiving one another, if anyone has a complaint against another, even as Christ forgave you, so you also must do.”
1 Corinthians 13:7
“(Love) bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.” (Parentheses mine as it starts in the middle of Paul’s description of Love.)
We cannot do this without the Holy Spirit in us and giving us the ability. So that is why we remain on our knees in humility.

Power and Might

When my husband left me at the airport to do what he had to do for us and our future, my heart stopped. I felt immediately torn in half, raw and sick. My head swam as if all air had been transformed to H2O. I prayed that the Lord would make it all stop. He was BIG, He was Powerful! He made the Universe and all it contains, why hadn’t He moved to stop this insanity - 2.5 years apart from my soul! So to say that there were times I felt weak, overwhelmed and crushed would be perhaps the understatement of this century. I remember a conversation I had with a friend. I was saying,
“I know that God says in my weakness He is strong and I know that He says we have access to all this power but golly, sometimes I feel so weak I’m sure I am not going to take the next breath.” She said one word,
“Pray.” That had been the theme for several months but I didn’t get it. Sure I prayed, all the time. . .
“Lord fix this, Lord fix that, Lord save me from this, Lord I want Mark!!” I would pray and pray, pray without ceasing was my theme. God went right from Superheros with me to His Power, and it all started where the last blog ended, Romans 8:11,
“But if the Spirit of Him who raised Jesus from the dead dwells in you, He who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through His Spirit who dwells in you.” So I got to thinking about the Holy Spirit, the power of the Lord dwelling in me. I started wondering about how to rest in His power. . . .
An important point to make here is when Jesus said,
“Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. My yoke is easy and my burden is light.” He meant it. Humans make walking with the Lord harder than it ought to be because we manipulate and strive. We try to control the world around us or “earn” our salvation through our works. Now James points out it is a combination of both, meaning having works WITH faith is what you want, not without it. Nor did he say that if you have tons of faith you can skip the works or if you have no faith go ahead and work yourself into the kingdom. I never understood the balance until this last week.
When I was a teenager I longed for the world to revolve around me and I know I’m not alone in this plight. We want the world to move around us and us to just be able to walk on. I listened to a lovely sermon this past week by Pastor Bryan Broderson.He said that if you line your will up with the Lord’s then He will move things around you, He will open doors and close them, you just have to walk with Him. It made me think of sheep, which I have always said is an apt description of humanity. If you keep closing gates and walking with the sheep they will keep walking through what is open. That is me, the sheep, all I have to do is keep walking, He’ll make sure I get where I am supposed to go. So when I give my will and life to Him the universe will revolve around me because He will move it! (which is exactly what I wanted as a teenager!) The rest I found in that truth was more than I could put into words. Just like sheep can’t mess up the walk along the farm because I’m buzzing about closing and opening all the proper gates; I can’t mess up His movement as long as I do the bit of walking with Him. This made me look back over the past 1 year and 2 months and 27 days that I have been chasing after the Lord and wanting to learn more about Him every day. I realized that at the points I was the most tired, worn out and otherwise an exhausted heap, I was trying to do things my way, on my schedule and not wait on Him to open the doors. In other words, I was trying to fight the door open, beat on it and scream against it. Naturally, I would be tired. So I reverted to my teenage years, I would walk with Him and pray for His will and let the world revolve around me, He would guide me through the doors.
The second teenage desire we all had was to be understood. Don’t we all? At some point we have this desire so deep that we feel we will be swallowed in the masses because no one understands! God, in His power and omnipotence knows all things about us. Not only that, He can even speak words when we cannot!
“Likewise the Spirit also helps in our weaknesses. For we do not know what we should pray for as we ought, but the Spirit Himself makes intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered.” Romans 8:26 Wow, so even when I cannot express myself totally He understands!! How about those times I don’t even know what my heart is feeling, I just know it hurts and I am powerless to stop it!! I rest in His power!
“Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.” Psalm 139:23 God knows my heart even better than me, He knows my thoughts better than I and why they are anxious. He sees and knows all about my inner being. Nothing about me surprises Him, there is nothing dark enough or ugly enough! God loves me to my depths while simultaneously KNOWING my depths. What a beautiful thought! I remember hiding my heart from people during my teen years and well into my adult years knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt that once someone saw those depths they would run away. Even as late as being married to the most wonderful man on the planet. I would pray every night,
“Lord, please don’t let this man you gave me to see the beast that lives within!” Amazingly, Mark saw a glimpse of it and stayed! God has always seen it even at its unveiled ugliness, He saw it for real and not behind my attempt to hide it and He always stayed!! God used our separation to kill that hate filled, angry, ugly beastie and I am so thankful! Every teenager is well met with the beast and if adults were truly honest they would admit their own cohabitation! God is powerful enough to set us free and He knows us to our depths!
So now we come to the chill part, what teenager doesn’t want to just chill out and relax. I don’t know of any and God wants that for us too!! I already shared the verse about His burden being light. In my own life I was struggling, searching for God’s will in my life. It would be easy to stay here but I feel He is calling me somewhere else. Well, what about here? What if it isn’t the right time? That was when it dawned on me, God’s timing is perfect and like Brian Brodersen said if I am giving Him my life and will, I can rest in the fact that He will direct my steps. I remember watching a toddler learn to walk. Daddy would let the baby grip his hands like a vice grip and if the baby was going to walk some where he wasn’t supposed to, like a wall, through a door or into a pit, the Daddy would gently turn the wee body so the next step would be going in the right direction. Amazing! God wants me to grip Him like a vice grip and He will do the rest. Sure the baby has to put some effort into it, the gripping, then there is the stepping but he isn’t driving and it must be the same with Him and our walk! So I can chill out in the Lord, I don’t have to orchestrate my life, I don’t have to chase rainbows or force open doors of opportunities because the Lord is going to throw them open wide for me!!!
So what am I going to do? I’m going to regress! I’m going to become a teenager in the Lord! I’m going to let the world revolve around me, I’m going to rejoice in being understood and known better than I know myself and I am going to chill, cause He already knows where and when and He will let me know when I need to know.

Fantastic Trinity!

Fantastic Trinity!

I find it amazing that superheroes always have obstacles they have to overcome. Superman wouldn’t have been so super if there wouldn’t have been kryptonite. Green Lantern had to recharge his ring and Batman had gadgets to over come his mortal-ness. If they had no obstacles how would they relate to us, better question, how would we relate to them? Jesus is my Superhero! He saved our lives from eternal death and it is a free gift to those who accept it. I like Hebrews 4:15,
“For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are - yet was without sin!” My superhero overcame great obstacles - sin and death to rescue me! To rescue many! So this Superhero is real and He is filled with love for us. So much so that He would have given His life and rose again for just one, as it shows in the Matthew 18 parable when the shepherd leaves the flock to rescue just one sheep. He doesn’t want one to be lost. So like any good Superhero, He makes the saving easy on the victim.
In all the Superman flicks the victims just had to scream for help or make a lot of noise. With my Jesus I just needed to make some noise too! From the depth of my darkness and pain. I had to put my life in His hands - I just had to ask! 1 John 4:15 says,
“Whoever confesses that Jesus is the Son of God, God abides in him and he in God.” or Romans 10:9,
“that if you confess with your mouth Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God has raised Him from the dead, you will be saved.” Amazing, isn’t it? God only wants us to believe and He does the rest. Just like the victims in Superman’s movies had to believe he existed and was real so they could call out to him for help! And the Mayor had to believe in Batman to turn on his light.
So one asks and Jesus comes to the rescue! What then? That is a good question! Superman doesn’t hang around after the saving, he doesn’t try to direct the footsteps of the now saved victim? He doesn’t want the heart and life of those saved. This is a good point, so what does it mean to walk with the Lord. We are to live as a living sacrifice, die to self. Sounds hard? Yep, it is and we have to do it daily, but the rockin’ thing is the adventure that follows! That is Colossians 1:9-13 in a nutshell,

“For this reason, since the day we heard about you, we have not stopped praying for you and asking God to fill you with the knowledge of his will through all spiritual wisdom and understanding. And we pray this in order that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and may please him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God, being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience, and joyfully giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of the saints in the kingdom of light. For he has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son he loves,”
So we learn more about the Lord, He begins to reveal to us things we could not see in our unrescued state. So we learn more about Him, what about my life, you ask? Well, I’ll tell you, God starts moving the world around you! We can rest in Him, trust our life to Him and He will redeem that too! He makes this promise over and over, my two favorites are:
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. “ Jeremiah 29:11 and
“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. “ Romans 8:28 This means that no matter what happens in our life, even if right now we can’t see it because it is too fresh and too new of a hurt, God will redeem it all! He will make sure that all of it works for us and we may not know for years! I remember when my family crumbled 8 years ago I was always asking the Lord why and I kept coming back to these two verses. Now I know a myriad of reasons why and I’m sure there are many more I don’t yet know. The Lord redeemed the pain and crushing blow mightily, I have a bigger family now and more people that love me! Let the Lord redeem your life and all of its crushing blows, He can, but first you have to exercise your free will and give Him the life to redeem! He can be your Superhero too! He will not only rescue you now but throughout your life! He helps us up over and over again, our own personal Superhero! He makes us stronger every day! He helps us grow in Him and makes life an adventure because we know as His children - nothing can harm us! If we die we are with Him and if we are alive we are with Him, yippee! It is a win-win situation.
Not only does my Superhero save and keep saving, not only does He make it easy to be saved because He doesn’t want to lose any. He also does amazing things in our life. I love Ephesians 3:20,
“Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us.” That is the same power that resurrected Christ!(Romans 8:11) It is an amazing truth! There is nothing in our lives too BIG or too small for our God! Psalm 37:4 says,
“Delight yourself also in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart.” How great is that! I love delighting in the Lord and the more I come to know my Superhero the more I want to Know! There isn’t a single Superhero that children worldwide idolize that loves us so much, that has and does save us from so much and that can take events and turn them to good - can redeem everything!
By having our personal Superhero(Savior) does that make life easy? Nope, Superman’s sweetheart was in even more danger for knowing him, she was constantly in trouble, but he was constantly saving her. And so it is with Jesus, life still happens, we are still in the world, but He is constantly on our side, constantly redeeming, constantly saving and constantly loving us with a love we cannot even fathom!
So as for me, my Superhero, my Savior, the Lord of my heart and life is Jesus and I pray that many more will come to know Him.

Amazing! A lesson in Humility!

Jesus is God in the flesh and He washed the disciples’ feet. I had heard the word humility since I was a kid and I was sure I had it. That was until one day I couldn’t figure out what should have been a simple computer problem. It was then that it reared it’s ugly head - PRIDE!!
The interesting thing is I had been praying for the Lord to reveal to me the sins of my heart(because it says in Psalms and elsewhere in the Word that we have no idea), the funny part is there was apparently some part of me that didn’t think there was any there - PRIDE!!
So I decided to learn as much as I could about humility because I apparently needed it in large doses!
According to Dictionary.com humility means to be humble. This definition may have helped if I had known what humble meant. So I searched for humble. As if the penny dropped, I could hear the sound of it, clarity born in my head. Sure, when you hear the word humble you picture Jesus, the same thing happened to me, but after that I had nothing.
“To lower in condition, importance or dignity. To make meek and finally, to destroy the independence, power or will of.”
I thought and prayed about these three senses of the word humble. Did I demonstrate any of these qualities in real life? The first definition I considered was lower in condition, importance or dignity. I know that I at least strive for that because I have watched and admired my husband for years. Though he was a Staff Sergeant and could have been so selfish(as many are), he sought to help his soldiers, lift them up and to do as much as possible to make the Army work for them. I remembered watching his troops and how much they trusted him and I wanted to lead like that. I fight for that mindset. I then remembered Jesus, vividly washing His disciples’ feet saying the least shall be the greatest. I heard as if I had been there with them, Peter say,
“Then wash all of me, Lord.” I was feeling that I too needed a good washing.
1 Peter 5:5-6 - God resists the proud. {See Chuck’s commentary on this at the Blue Letter Bible web page, it is dandy} So there I was realizing how horribly I had been failing at trying to mimic both my husband and Jesus. I prayed the Lord would forgive me and give me the grace hat I needed abundantly and to give me the strength to share it!
So then I contemplated the second definition, to make meek. I thought about that awhile and started remembering people’s description of me and meek would not be it. There would be a lot of words opposite to that. Powerful, outspoken, strong, funny and on and on. However, meek would not enter their minds. Suddenly, my mind came upon the verses that deal with meekness. Matthew 5:5 - the meek inherit the earth - I wanted to inherit the earth, not that I knew what I would do with it when I had it, but Jesus thought it was important because it was in the beatitudes! According to Zepaniah 3:12 it is the meek and the humble that the Lord will leave in Jerusalem. I wanted to be in the future Jerusalem!
Then I came to 1 Corinthians 10:1. This is an amazing verse! Paul the most prolific teacher and writer was meek and timid! This verse was cross referenced to Matthew 11:29-30. Jesus, God in man who knows everything about everything to include my computer and its “quirks!” He says He is meek and humble - the Creator of the Universe is the embodiment of meek and humble and I thought I was the shizzle, a unsung genius, an overlooked hero!! How stupid! I disproved my own self-theory in one fell swoop, proving beyond a shadow of a doubt that I was the least intelligent among us!
I then moved onto the next part of the definition. Destroying the independence, power or will of. Interestingly, God, Creator and sustainer of the universe and our existence, is also a God of free will. This means that while He has the power to tear from me my own will and self-diluted independence and power, He does not. He leaves it there. Romancing us like we were all the last women or men on earth. Chasing us as if His life depended on it - when in point of fact it is our life that depends on Him, we have to rest in the fact that our power is nothing.
We have to get up every day and pray for a heart filled with Him, chasing after Him. Pray that He would keep us humble in every sense of the word! As Calvary Chapel’s Brian Brodersen says, “God is the only one who can handle compliments because He doesn’t let them go to His head.” I was convicted and finally understanding what the word meant I prayed for release from it and that the Lord would help me move forward, it was then that He lead me to 1 Chronicles 7:14,
“If my people, which are called by my name, shall humble themselves, and pray and seek my face, and turn from their wicked ways; then will I hear from heaven, and will forgive their sin, and will heal their land.” Yeah, it was all going to be alright.

Even So, Come Lord Jesus Quickly come! Part 3

So I thought about how my husband and I use present day communication, our relationship is a wonderful and loving one but is forced to be different due to our separation. So we communicate through letters and email. Just like now with Jesus we communicate with Him through prayer. He is still alive and we are together, just like Mark and I are still alive and together, but out of necessity we relate differently than those three years together. I can’t see Mark but I know he is real and alive and I love him so much. Just like I can’t see Jesus, but I know He is alive and real and with me! Jesus has the benefit of being God so He can be with me in ways Mark cannot now. In fact, He has promised it as He was leaving us physically, He gave us directions and then promised He was not going to leave us,
The Holy Bible, New International Version. Pradis CD-ROM:Mt 28:18.

Mt 28:18 Then Jesus came to them and said, “All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me.
Mt 28:19 Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit,
Mt 28:20 and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.”

It is funny, when my husband left he gave me all of his authority on earth in a power of attorney. He told me to take care of things and he would be back. Through letters, email and my memory he is always with me, what a great symbol of my Savior! As Christians we have such a hope and a future! Did you know that the next big thing to happen on God’s time table is the rapture of His children? Did you know that all other prophecy has been fulfilled? We are now just waiting abated breath for the return of our bride-groom!!! That is it! Pretty soon we are going to be out of here! So like the next big thing on my earthly time table is the return of my groom that is the next big thing in my walk with the Lord. Now I will keep growing in Him and life is never dull with my adventure guide the Lord! However, the next prophecy to be fulfilled is Jesus coming to get us!!! Isn’t that exciting? It means that I desperately try to stay unexcited about earthly things, all these will pass away, He is forever and He is good and He is coming back! It was this realization that made my excitement for the Lord’s return even more real and alive! As excited as I am about Mark how much more excited should I be for my Savior and the Lover of my Soul!!!
Jesus fulfilled 300 prophecies in coming and the prophecies that were given to us as signs of His return have all been fulfilled, except for the actual collection of us! So now I wait abated breath for both of Mark and Jesus!

Check out http://www.clarifyingchristianity.com/m_prophecies.shtml for more information about Jesus’ fulfilled prophecies!

Even So, Come Lord Jesus Quickly come! Part 2

The next day came and the reeling from the present the night before started to slow down and I was ready. Again I laid my heart and life before the Lord. I wanted Him to have all of me and to teach me all He had for me.
Not only did the Lord use my husband as an example of the first coming of Jesus but also the time Jesus was here with His disciples. Now do not misunderstand me, my Savior is Jesus and above all things. But God teaches by using not only His word but real life examples. Nature, the Universe and my husband all teach me more and more about Him. I am sure kids will do the same thing for me. So there I was, pondering the three years that Mark and I had together before he was again abruptly ripped from my life.
Sweet sweet memories washed over me! Mark and I camping, on road trips, morning coffee and the sound of my husband’s laughter. I love to hear it, always it is as if my heart stands still to hear. Funny enough, I’m not able to bring it forth very often but I try very hard all the time, my husband can vouch for that. Mark tends to think silently in his mind, that was funny, and that is all I get. Perhaps because I have to work so hard for it, the ripples of his laughter have the same beautiful sound to me as the ripple of the oceans’ waves kissing the beach gently in the evening. I remembered his blue blue eyes as he gave me communion during our wedding ceremony, wow, just like Jesus gave the disciples the Passover Seder!
I remembered all my hours and hours of college courses and Mark taking care of the world around me to make sure nothing fell apart. How my car never needed me to scrape the windscreen because magically the ice fell off, rather, Mark helped it off. How some way the trash always ended up in the end of the driveway when it needed to, how amazing!
Mark did it all and took care of me in so many ways and taught me so many things. For instance, life has obstacles but you have to see the beauty around the obstacles. He taught me that up hill climbs are fun and that is the way life is, sometimes you have to climb uphill, but the view from the top is so worth it. Mark taught me that there are always things to count as blessings no matter how ugly it looks. He taught me that getting up at 0500 can be fun and absolutely make the day! Yeah, I smiled and realized that this is what the disciples must have done in their darkest hours. When they were sitting in those prisons for trying to spread the Gospel that would set the captive free, they remembered our Savior, Jesus! The heard His laughter and felt His hug! They remembered the meals they shared, the morning coffees and all the great talks about God and life, love, liberty and the pursuit of Holiness!(Which by the way is a great book by Jerry Bridges) How sweet it must have been for them when the Holy Spirit inspired them to write the Gospels as writing it they were showered with memories of their time with Jesus! How they would have made sure they got it right, how carefully, prayfully and inspired they would have been to write it! I would, because so great a love, so great a God I would want every one to know exactly how great He was. Just like I so carefully write about a man named Mark and how great he is, how much more for our God and Savior! Not to mention they had the Holy Spirit guiding their words! It reminds me of the ode that John wrote about Jesus in the opening of his Gospel:

The Holy Bible, New International Version. Pradis CD-ROM:Jn 1:1.

Jn 1:1 In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.
Jn 1:2 He was with God in the beginning.
Jn 1:3 Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made.
Jn 1:4 In him was life, and that life was the light of men.
Jn 1:5 The light shines in the darkness, but the darkness has not understood it.
Jn 1:6 There came a man who was sent from God; his name was John.
Jn 1:7 He came as a witness to testify concerning that light, so that through him all men might believe.
Jn 1:8 He himself was not the light; he came only as a witness to the light.
Jn 1:9 The true light that gives light to every man was coming into the world.
Jn 1:10 He was in the world, and though the world was made through him, the world did not recognize him.
Jn 1:11 He came to that which was his own, but his own did not receive him.
Jn 1:12 Yet to all who received him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God—
Jn 1:13 children born not of natural descent, nor of human decision or a husband’s will, but born of God.
Jn 1:14 The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the One and Only, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth.
Jn 1:15 John testifies concerning him. He cries out, saying, “This was he of whom I said, ‘He who comes after me has surpassed me because he was before me.’ ”
Jn 1:16 From the fullness of his grace we have all received one blessing after another.
Jn 1:17 For the law was given through Moses; grace and truth came through Jesus Christ.
Jn 1:18 No one has ever seen God, but God the One and Only, who is at the Father’s side, has made him known.

Sounds like an ode done in love and inspiration. So that is what I was to do in my darkest hours. Remember the beautiful Jesus, the amazing things He had done in my life and our amazing times together. Just like when I longed so hard for Mark that I was sure my next breath wouldn’t come I would bath in memories of him. So that is what I do, in moments of despair I remember He healed my eyes! In moments of loneliness, I remember that the Lord brought us together from two different states, held our courtship in two different countries and would bring us together again! I would dwell on the sweet moments I had had with Jesus and think of all the times He had carried me and lifted me up. Just like the disciples I would remember the sweetness with Jesus, and just like I remember Mark and it brings him near, it does the same thing with Jesus! Thank God that He is so gentle and so loving towards us! I knew with this special revelation that I was going to make it until my groom returned, both Mark and Jesus! But that is a future story . . .

Even So, Come Lord Jesus Quickly come! Part 1

I was smack in the middle of worshipping the Lord, when I say smack in the middle I mean it. There I was mid verse of one of my favorite songs when suddenly it hit me. What hit me is called different things by different people, some say revelation, some would say perspective, others would say I had for a second “God-vision.” This is where you see life and all its situations through His eyes and suddenly it either A) all makes sense, or B) you know why it is all happening. This event could be all of those things but my word for it is present, it was a present from the Lord. I had just been thinking,
“Oh, Lord, I want to go into the full time ministry, I want to minister to people, I want to teach those women younger than me about you. Like it says in Titus 2:3-4;

"Likewise, teach the older women to be reverent in the way they live, not to be slanderers or addicted to much wine, but to teach what is good. Then they can train the younger women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God."

“I want, Lord, to share with them all you have shared with me! There are so many spouses left behind, Lord, and they need you to carry them like you have carried me! I want a cool picture to show them, just like this woman teacher just showed us!” I continued singing wondering what would be my story. Would I have just one or would their be multiples? The more I learned from these older women the more I realized that there is generally more than one adventure so that our myriad of adventures could be used to minister to multitudes of people walking a similar walk. You know when you are telling someone your trouble and they say,

“Oh, I have been there, it was so hard, I bet it is huge for you!” There is something in me that lightens! What? A sister who has walked a similar road! Then the sister in Christ begins to regale me with stories of how the Lord walked/carried her through it! We have our trials for a myriad of reasons, but to comfort a sister, what a privilege, what a joy! That was when it happened.
“You waited for Mark the first time, not knowing when you would get to marry him and live with him, for years!” I did, in fact it was four years that I waited, abated breath for my bridegroom to come to me. We were both in the military and did not want to marry after only a month long beautiful courtship so we prayed that God would keep our hearts together and bring us physically together some day and we prayed that for the next four years! When in the miraculous way God works Mark got orders to be at the same base I was. Mark wasted no time proposing and we were married! For the first time as I relived these memories the 10 Virgins parable made so much sense to me!

The Parable of the Ten Virgins
Mt 25:1 “At that time the kingdom of heaven will be like ten virgins who took their lamps fand went out to meet the bridegroom.
Mt 25:2 Five of them were foolish and five were wise.
Mt 25:3 The foolish ones took their lamps but did not take any oil with them.
Mt 25:4 The wise, however, took oil in jars along with their lamps.
Mt 25:5 The bridegroom was a long time in coming, and they all became drowsy and fell asleep.
Mt 25:6 “At midnight the cry rang out: ‘Here’s the bridegroom! Come out to meet him!’
Mt 25:7 “Then all the virgins woke up and trimmed their lamps.
Mt 25:8 The foolish ones said to the wise, ‘Give us some of your oil; our lamps are going out.’
Mt 25:9 “ ‘No,’ they replied, ‘there may not be enough for both us and you. Instead, go to those who sell oil and buy some for yourselves.’
Mt 25:10 “But while they were on their way to buy the oil, the bridegroom arrived. The virgins who were ready went in with him to the wedding banquet. And the door was shut.
Mt 25:11 “Later the others also came. ‘Sir! Sir!’ they said. ‘Open the door for us!’
Mt 25:12 “But he replied, ‘I tell you the truth, I don’t know you.’
Mt 25:13 “Therefore keep watch, because you do not know the day or the hour
The Holy Bible, New International Version. Pradis CD-ROM:Mt 25:1.

Please see Chuck Smith's commentary on this parable at: http://www.blueletterbible.org/Comm/chuck_smith_c2000/Mat/Mat025.html

I thought what if during those four years I had not run to the Lord for more oil. When I said,
“God, I know that for me you have Mark, he is my one, or it is no one? It is either Mark or I am to walk this walk alone. Is it no one, Lord, we have been waiting many years?” God would say, “Wait.” He is a God of no wasted words that is for sure. So I waited, like the virgins with the lamps I started “saving” money, which to my young self meant not being in debt. I found a nice rental house ostensibly to get a dog, I had no idea that I was preparing for my groom! I got a wee car built for two, okay maybe three and if it was the right four people four, but that is it! Then by a miracle the day came, I got a phone call. It was a rare gift because on the other end of the line was the voice that I loved to hear any time it sounded. Due to Mark being deployed a lot phone calls seldom occurred;
“Danita?”
“Hello, yes!”
“This is Mark, I’ve been trying to reach you for days!”
“Oh, sorry, I’ve been out and about with the baby bro, what’s up?”
“I’ve got orders, I’m coming to you!” The world ceased to spin, my heart beat but it seemed to do it miles away and all I could hear was my breath going in and out. Stars seemed to collide in that moment and I said,
“Really!” And that was all I got out before the tear ducts burst forth their bounty and I became what I like to call blubbering.

The groom was coming, it was time to fill the oil, but what if I had not been prepared. What if I had given up and settled for less, settled for a lie, someone less! What if I had run out of oil!!!! I would never have had the joy of that moment! It is like those who decide that they aren’t going to believe in Jesus unless He walks up to them in bodily form and says, “Hiya, I’m the Messiah.” The Pharisees and the Sadducees said that and they never believed because they were not prepared to see Him the way He actually came. They knew that He was coming, He had been prophesied, they even knew the year, but they missed Him because they picked something less, they wanted power and saving from Rome, they weren’t thinking about their soul and the pit of Hell! So they picked someone else, they picked Barabbas, a murderer and zealot. They had trimmed their wick(their actions, they looked holy) but they had no oil(their hearts chased another). I said,
“God, thank you so much for showing me all this! How amazing, what a beautiful picture.” My Lord Jesus was being made even more real to me through my husband. Not only in the beauty of our marriage, in the freedom and grace, in how Mark loves me so unconditionally and supports me so freely in all my dreams. No, the Lord planned to use Mark to show me even more of Himself and to draw me into an even deeper love relationship with Jesus! How amazing!

Dani's Magnificant

My soul glorifies the Lord and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior. Luke 1:46/47
Oh, the depth of the riches of the wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable His judgements, and His paths beyond tracing out! Who has known the mind of the Lord? Or who has been His counselor? Who has ever given to God, that God should repay him? For from Him and through Him and to Him are all things. To Him be the glory forever. Romans 11:33-36
Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. James 1:17
Taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the man who takes refuge in Him. Psalm 34:8
Let (me) give thanks to the Lord for His unfailing love and His wonderful deeds for men, for He satisfies the thirsty and fills the hungry with good things. Psalm 107:8-9
The Lord is good, a refuge in times of trouble. He cares for those who trust in Him, Nahum 1:7
The Lord is my shepherd I shall not be in want, surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life. Psalm 23:16
For the Lord God is a sun and a shield; the Lord bestows favor and honor; no good thing does He withhold from those whose walk is blameless.
"For I know the plans I have for you,"declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose. Romans 8:28
"I am the Lord's servant," (Dani) answered, "may it be to me as you have said."Luke 1:38
**Parentheses are mine!:0)

Makin' it one more day. . .

When Mark and I first separated I could only think of one thing, how fast can April 09 actually get here? This question was a heart wrenching one considering that I was asking it from January 07. This thought was literally drowning me. I was sure that I was never going to make it. I found myself contemplating how to put me in a coma for exactly that long, just wake up and there is Mark. Okay, coma was out of the question but what about just sleeping all the time, what I have a career I have to keep up with? It became desperate and at one point I thought,

“Well, this is it. No way out, no way through but to walk it and I can’t so I’m going to pray for death.” It was then that it dawned on me, more likely, the Lord opened my blind eyes and said,

“Hey, instead of focusing on the end, how about today? Or better yet, how about Me?” It was as if someone had turned on the light when you aren’t awake yet and all the light comes blazing in your eyes, while you are uncomfortable, you are awake! It was an uncomfortable thought, Dani was going to depend on someone else to keep her going and more importantly take care of her heart(which happened to be beating in Iraq)? My flesh was awake and uncomfortable, I didn’t want to relinquish what I perceived as control. I had always been a worrier and a control freak. I would have everything in my life just the way I want it and any other way is out of the question. Funny enough, Mark had always challenged that, not intentionally, just by being the man I fell head over heels for. In order to love Mark right I had to love him freely(how God loves us). God would not have us to be robots so He has always given us choices and allowed us to make them, loving us unconditionally through it all, from the garden to present day. How many times do we continually pick something else, something less, and He just keeps loving us, even sent His Son to save us! Hosea 3:1 is a good picture:
“The Lord said to me, “Go, show your love to your wife again, though she is loved by another and is an adulteress. Love her as the Lord loves the Israelites, though they turn to other gods and love the sacred raisin cakes.” What is it with food, always picking that over the Lord? But I digress. . .
So what did I learn this first bright light experience, first epiphany as it were?
1) We are supposed to focus on today and today alone. God takes care of all the rest.
“But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” Matt 6:33-34
2) Also during the hard times, if we are going to gain strength from Him we have to abide in Him. John 15:5 at its finest:
“I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.” *An important note, if we abide in Him all the time, I don’t think hard times would come as such a shock, but I’ll let you know after I have been abiding for awhile and the new hard times come. I am not superwoman, I am fragile as glass and many times have been convinced I was going to shatter into a million pieces but the Lord steps in and puts me together and helps me on my way. It is true when we are weak He is strong and praise the Lord for that!
Yes, it was the epiphany I needed to really get a jump start on this time of growing in my relationship with the Lord. What the world intended for evil the Lord was going to use for good in our lives.

Both Changing in the same hell, it just looks different!

First, I just want to say that my husband tells me regularly that his looks are changing. I got this picture of him just today and I think he is even more gorgeous than last I saw him. I'm giving the Army no credit for it.(Maybe it is the mudbath) He is so handsome and my hero! He loves me so well even though he is in Iraq!

I have come to realize through Mark and I's discussions that the deployed and the left behind go through similar emotions and pain, it just looks different because of where they are living. Interestingly, they both feel worlds apart. I remember Mark and I's first phone conversation after he arrived. I was like, "Wow, what do you say to someone who is in hell!" "Hi, honey, how are you? Oh, I'm lovely, I had tea this afternoon with my crumpet and then went out for an afternoon stroll! What about you? Oh, you were saving the world and protecting my country and my stroll, golly!" Bat eyes and put hand over my mouth, I felt just that silly. However, he wanted to hear it all, he wanted to hear about my life because he felt just as I did, that we were missing so much of each other! We were married but a scant three years when our souls were ripped in two, so the realization that again we would be apart, change apart and then be together again was a bit overwhelming. The fact is that we all always change. The greatest way to strangle another is by simply not giving them the freedom to become!

As Christian spouses we will change for the better as long as we are chasing hard after God. Now that doesn't mean that it is easier for us. It also doesn't mean that we are going to feel so good in our hearts when it is going on, in fact, we will probably feel wretched and want the world to stop spinning or at least our own. It is this difficult process that can scare the seperated spouses to death. Not to mention seldom does our heart feel like the change that God asks of us. It is important to realize that as seperated souls, both are scared, both are hurt, both are lonely and both do not want to be there(where ever there is). For as different as the physical hells(One Iraq - the other Left behind), the emotional hell is the same, a soul torn in two.

"So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate." Matthew 19:6

It is at this time that the spouses must give one another loads of grace and reassure one another regularly. It doesn't matter the change that comes over the other, how wretched their heart may be feeling, how numb their mind might be, because you will always love them! It is in this time we have to abide in the Word even more and cling to the verse:

"Let love and faithfulness never leave you; bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart. Then you will win favor and a good name in the sight of God and man. Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding in all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:3-6

In sum, embrace God, embrace each other and the change that comes with life, walk hand in hand toward the Lord and there will be storms, it will be painful, but then there is all the joy!

War and Marriage

My husband and I have lived apart now for 1 year 1 months and 18 days, not that I am counting. The Army decided that they needed him more than I, while we differ on this point I do not really tell them about my disagreement. I was feeling really alone because I am living in a place where I know of no one else going through this. How does the left behind spouse generally feel? Why does God not bring him home even though I beg and plead and cry and scream!?

I realized that God is trying to build within me perserverance, but it hadn't been a trait I was concerned with developing. To be honest, I didn't know He cared so much about it until I started walking this walk and WHAM! perserverance, next stop on this train of life! God wants us to be strong in Him, unwavering, long suffering and faithful. I believe that where He wants us is Revelation 13:10
If anyone is to go into captivity, into captivity he will go. If anyone is to be killed with the sword, with the sword he will be killed. This calls for patient endurance and faithfulness on the part of the saints.
This tells me that God has a plan and while it is good for me according to Him, Romans 8:28, that doesn't mean that by my human standard it is going to look good. So I shall ride this boat and be thankful that through the internet the Lord has connected me with spouses riding this same ride. He didn't just ask this of me, but of thousands and is carrying all of us that let Him and believe that He will.

I also found something to be thankful for in this seperation and that is the release from taking my wonderful husband for granted. Mark is a joy and is a husband I could sing about for years to come, his sensitivity, kindness, love and unending optimism, even when it looks like there is nothing to hope for. He takes to heart Phil 4:8:
Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things.

I have learned to dwell on that as well, waiting for a 15 month deployment to end means I have to force my mind to dwell on what is right in order to survive. However, we have to dwell on beautiful things even inside of our marriages once the deployments are over. We have to focus on the beautiful things about our spouses and hope they return the favor as we have our own "quirks." It seems that couples I see who do not have to endure seperation take each other for granted and dwell on those things they hate about their spouse. Even to the point they will talk about them to others, behind their husband's back! They will point out every flaw and completely forget Phil 4:8.

I believe that Deployment can not only help us to be long suffering with the Lord, to learn to accept His will and delight in it, but can also teach us how to be in our marriages. Knuckle down, roll up our sleeves and delight in our spouses, as we delight in the Lord. Suddenly those things that hurt us about life and the things that they do that annoy us will fade in the background covered by love and joy in the Lord!

Joy Comes in the Morning

I've had several struggles in this past week that have brought to light for me that the darkest hours really do come just before the dawn!
First, sadly, and I really do mean this, I'm not perfect. I should walk in perfect joy before the Lord, or rather with the Lord. However, there come days when this does not happen. When the first thought in the morning is not, "This is the day that the Lord has made I will rejoice and be glad in it!" rather it is more like, "What, I woke up again and this nightmare called life is still going on, AHHHHHHHHH!" Thankfully, these days only come about every 21 beautiful and dandy days! However, when they come they are dark and dreary and I am a shadow of myself. In fact, you wouldn't want to be around me. You ask, how can I be so sure? Perhaps, you like a challenge and you think that you would be able to conquer the ugliness that wells up! Well, I don't want to be around me, and I'm an easy going fun loving, love every body type of person, so I know that no one should have to be around me. In fact, I've decided that when Mark and I are under the same roof again, whenever that is, I'm going to move into the attic on these days! That way he can carry on about his day being joyful in the Lord and I can go and eat lots of chocolate and keep my darkness to myself!!
Secondly, God is working a miracle in my heart. I'm amazed how some people are so conscious of Mark's absence from my life and how that must be affecting me. They pray for me and love me. They lay their troubles to the side for a moment and ask me, how are you? How is Mark? And then there are others who pretend it isn't happening, that my husband is in my same house, that life goes on as if nothing were screwed up. At first, this made me angry, the rage I felt towards the "apparent" selfishness of these people was more than I could bear. I decided I was going to not speak to them ever again, that since they obviously didn't care I wasn't going to care for them. Again, thankfully, God stepped in and took that silliness away. He showed me that maybe people didn't bring it up because they didn't know how it would affect me. Would I fall apart? They might not know the Lord was carrying me!!! So I thought I would annotate here how to treat someone whose spouse is deployed for the next century, I mean year.
1) Ask how the spouse is? This is probably the most important thing, do not try to gloss over their absence. The spouse left behind feels their absence constantly, so asking acknowledges that you too are aware of the absence and makes the spouse feel real(hard to explain but sometimes it can feel like a dream someone forgot to wake you up from).
2)Ask them how they are and if you can help. This gives them an opportunity to either A) glorify the Lord(if they are Christian) and talk about how He is carrying them. This is important because it reminds them of that truth and lets them hear it as they say it!(even if you believe it to be bunk) B) It gives them the opportunity to cry on your shoulder if they happen to be on day 22 and not 1 - 21.
3) Don't shield them from topics. If your spouse is away for two weeks and you miss them, say it. They can commiserate with you and wish a speedy return. If you had a great date with your other half, tell them, then they get to share a great date story with you and helps them remember vividly a dandy moment they had with their spouse.
4) Don't imagine them a hair's breath away from insanity or depression. Day 22 is rough, but all the other day's are dandy fine and they are probably doing fine(if they are walking with the Lord; trod delicately on this one if not).
5) Just love them like business is usual, don't be standoffish or scared, they are the same person, just half and most likely wanting everything else in life to be normal with them. The abnormality of the absent spouse is enough for them, they don't need more weirdness.
6) If you or a family member have been to Iraq(or whatever country the spouse is deployed to) it is okay to tell stories from there. I actually had a hilarious but sad experience where one started telling me the story of their brother and said, "Yeah, he went and had to come back early because his foot was injured with an IED(explosive device the other side likes to use)." Somewhere in the back ground I heard a record player skip and the chap looked at me chagrinned and said, "That prolly wouldn't happen now that was in the beginning." I smiled and said, "I'm sorry that happened to your brother, have they been able to repair his foot?" He smiled, appreciative of my ability to cope with the fact that injuries happen in war zones and said, "Yep, he is going to be 100%." I told him that I was happy for him and his brother and to not be uncomfortable to tell me stories.

I don't know if you know any one else in my situation. There are thousands left behind in Fort Bragg and all over the US and so chances are good that you do, so I hope this helps. I am not alone in this and knowing that also helps me keep a good perspective of the situation.
Thank you everyone for your love, prayers and support. I can't tell you how much they mean to Mark and myself. And those of you who have been uncomfortable, I apologize to you for initially thinking the worst and I'm thankful that the Lord gave me His perspective!

I get a little stronger, thank the Lord!

This morning I woke to torrential rain and driving wind. My curtians blew in the wind even though my windows were shut tight. My wounded Chilli lie next to me for which I was thankful as it was cold as ice! The alarm was screaming in my ear and all I could think was wouldn't it be nice if today were Saturday. Sadly, knowing it was only Thursday I rose from the rack very reluctantly. As I was getting ready I could not get a conflict at work that happened yesterday out of my head and kept mulling it over and wondering if I handled it alright. I found myself stuck on that train of thought and finally started praying over it, that God would give me wisdom in all situations and keep me from being petty or "fleshy" as I like to call it. After I broke free from the what ifs of yesterday I found myself thinking about Chilli, although my hubby is fine with me getting a blue staffie boy when she passes on it doesn't make me less apprehensive about her death, just less lonely when thinking of it. There will never be another Chilli! My mind wondered on and I realized that my heart was ultimately hurting and raw because of the absence of my best friend. It is funny, all these other things were mere distractions for the real cause of my hurt, my Marklessness. I have to give praise to the Lord though because we get to talk so much and it is only God that sorted that out. I am so thankful and I have grown so much and changed so much as a result of the experience. God has walked me through fire so I tend to be very calm. I remembered 2006 when I was panicing about something and had sunk to the depths of depression I found a verse that described me to a T:
The Holy Bible, New International Version. Pradis CD-ROM:Jas 1:6.
But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.
I was the doubter, I had seen God work in a million ways in my life, my relationship had been so strong with Him before I got on the Shift schedule, so I knew what He could and would do for us, yet any mishap that cropped up and I was reeling. My husband was amazing and so inspiring as I watched him always be constant always be strong. He took his PCS quietly and always had something good to say about it. I on the other hand thought,
"Why is God doing this to us? Hadn't we spent enough time apart?" It wasn't until after Mark was gone that God started showing me all He planned. Like Romans 8:28:
The Holy Bible, New International Version. Pradis CD-ROM:Ro 8:28.
And we know that in all things God works for the good jof those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
So what about now, I found myself thinking this morning. Chilli was diagnosed with cancer, did I go crazy and into depression, nope I go to the Lord in prayer. Work has its hiccups, did I rage on and on when I got home, unable to think, nope I poured my heart out before the Lord and did those things I had committed to doing in the evening after work. I thanked the Lord as I walked out the door to my car, I was going to be such a better wife, daughter, sister and friend! I had already been, many people in my life now do not know the fleshy Dani, the real one that she is without the love and Holy Spirit changing her and making her better. They don't believe me when I tell them how I was and I sadly say,
"Ask Mark when he comes for a visit, he'll tell you in what a sad state I was in." I smiled as I started the car, God had brought me so far. I started backing out of the drive way and my car felt really funny, like it didn't want to move or as if I had left the emergency break on. I stopped the car and put the emergency break on, thinking I would check the tires. What should I see but my tire, flat as a pancake, what? Oh, dandy, I'll call work and figure out what else from there. Interesting, isn't it? The old Dani would have thrown a pity party about all the trials that can befall one little dandy Dani, but did I? Nope, I prayed the Lord would help me figure it out and even when I got out the manual to figure out the spare and it didn't go with my car did I get upset? Nope, I laughed out loud and called AA, they came to save the day! God is so good and life is too!