Makin' it one more day. . .

When Mark and I first separated I could only think of one thing, how fast can April 09 actually get here? This question was a heart wrenching one considering that I was asking it from January 07. This thought was literally drowning me. I was sure that I was never going to make it. I found myself contemplating how to put me in a coma for exactly that long, just wake up and there is Mark. Okay, coma was out of the question but what about just sleeping all the time, what I have a career I have to keep up with? It became desperate and at one point I thought,

“Well, this is it. No way out, no way through but to walk it and I can’t so I’m going to pray for death.” It was then that it dawned on me, more likely, the Lord opened my blind eyes and said,

“Hey, instead of focusing on the end, how about today? Or better yet, how about Me?” It was as if someone had turned on the light when you aren’t awake yet and all the light comes blazing in your eyes, while you are uncomfortable, you are awake! It was an uncomfortable thought, Dani was going to depend on someone else to keep her going and more importantly take care of her heart(which happened to be beating in Iraq)? My flesh was awake and uncomfortable, I didn’t want to relinquish what I perceived as control. I had always been a worrier and a control freak. I would have everything in my life just the way I want it and any other way is out of the question. Funny enough, Mark had always challenged that, not intentionally, just by being the man I fell head over heels for. In order to love Mark right I had to love him freely(how God loves us). God would not have us to be robots so He has always given us choices and allowed us to make them, loving us unconditionally through it all, from the garden to present day. How many times do we continually pick something else, something less, and He just keeps loving us, even sent His Son to save us! Hosea 3:1 is a good picture:
“The Lord said to me, “Go, show your love to your wife again, though she is loved by another and is an adulteress. Love her as the Lord loves the Israelites, though they turn to other gods and love the sacred raisin cakes.” What is it with food, always picking that over the Lord? But I digress. . .
So what did I learn this first bright light experience, first epiphany as it were?
1) We are supposed to focus on today and today alone. God takes care of all the rest.
“But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” Matt 6:33-34
2) Also during the hard times, if we are going to gain strength from Him we have to abide in Him. John 15:5 at its finest:
“I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.” *An important note, if we abide in Him all the time, I don’t think hard times would come as such a shock, but I’ll let you know after I have been abiding for awhile and the new hard times come. I am not superwoman, I am fragile as glass and many times have been convinced I was going to shatter into a million pieces but the Lord steps in and puts me together and helps me on my way. It is true when we are weak He is strong and praise the Lord for that!
Yes, it was the epiphany I needed to really get a jump start on this time of growing in my relationship with the Lord. What the world intended for evil the Lord was going to use for good in our lives.

Both Changing in the same hell, it just looks different!

First, I just want to say that my husband tells me regularly that his looks are changing. I got this picture of him just today and I think he is even more gorgeous than last I saw him. I'm giving the Army no credit for it.(Maybe it is the mudbath) He is so handsome and my hero! He loves me so well even though he is in Iraq!

I have come to realize through Mark and I's discussions that the deployed and the left behind go through similar emotions and pain, it just looks different because of where they are living. Interestingly, they both feel worlds apart. I remember Mark and I's first phone conversation after he arrived. I was like, "Wow, what do you say to someone who is in hell!" "Hi, honey, how are you? Oh, I'm lovely, I had tea this afternoon with my crumpet and then went out for an afternoon stroll! What about you? Oh, you were saving the world and protecting my country and my stroll, golly!" Bat eyes and put hand over my mouth, I felt just that silly. However, he wanted to hear it all, he wanted to hear about my life because he felt just as I did, that we were missing so much of each other! We were married but a scant three years when our souls were ripped in two, so the realization that again we would be apart, change apart and then be together again was a bit overwhelming. The fact is that we all always change. The greatest way to strangle another is by simply not giving them the freedom to become!

As Christian spouses we will change for the better as long as we are chasing hard after God. Now that doesn't mean that it is easier for us. It also doesn't mean that we are going to feel so good in our hearts when it is going on, in fact, we will probably feel wretched and want the world to stop spinning or at least our own. It is this difficult process that can scare the seperated spouses to death. Not to mention seldom does our heart feel like the change that God asks of us. It is important to realize that as seperated souls, both are scared, both are hurt, both are lonely and both do not want to be there(where ever there is). For as different as the physical hells(One Iraq - the other Left behind), the emotional hell is the same, a soul torn in two.

"So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate." Matthew 19:6

It is at this time that the spouses must give one another loads of grace and reassure one another regularly. It doesn't matter the change that comes over the other, how wretched their heart may be feeling, how numb their mind might be, because you will always love them! It is in this time we have to abide in the Word even more and cling to the verse:

"Let love and faithfulness never leave you; bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart. Then you will win favor and a good name in the sight of God and man. Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding in all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:3-6

In sum, embrace God, embrace each other and the change that comes with life, walk hand in hand toward the Lord and there will be storms, it will be painful, but then there is all the joy!

War and Marriage

My husband and I have lived apart now for 1 year 1 months and 18 days, not that I am counting. The Army decided that they needed him more than I, while we differ on this point I do not really tell them about my disagreement. I was feeling really alone because I am living in a place where I know of no one else going through this. How does the left behind spouse generally feel? Why does God not bring him home even though I beg and plead and cry and scream!?

I realized that God is trying to build within me perserverance, but it hadn't been a trait I was concerned with developing. To be honest, I didn't know He cared so much about it until I started walking this walk and WHAM! perserverance, next stop on this train of life! God wants us to be strong in Him, unwavering, long suffering and faithful. I believe that where He wants us is Revelation 13:10
If anyone is to go into captivity, into captivity he will go. If anyone is to be killed with the sword, with the sword he will be killed. This calls for patient endurance and faithfulness on the part of the saints.
This tells me that God has a plan and while it is good for me according to Him, Romans 8:28, that doesn't mean that by my human standard it is going to look good. So I shall ride this boat and be thankful that through the internet the Lord has connected me with spouses riding this same ride. He didn't just ask this of me, but of thousands and is carrying all of us that let Him and believe that He will.

I also found something to be thankful for in this seperation and that is the release from taking my wonderful husband for granted. Mark is a joy and is a husband I could sing about for years to come, his sensitivity, kindness, love and unending optimism, even when it looks like there is nothing to hope for. He takes to heart Phil 4:8:
Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things.

I have learned to dwell on that as well, waiting for a 15 month deployment to end means I have to force my mind to dwell on what is right in order to survive. However, we have to dwell on beautiful things even inside of our marriages once the deployments are over. We have to focus on the beautiful things about our spouses and hope they return the favor as we have our own "quirks." It seems that couples I see who do not have to endure seperation take each other for granted and dwell on those things they hate about their spouse. Even to the point they will talk about them to others, behind their husband's back! They will point out every flaw and completely forget Phil 4:8.

I believe that Deployment can not only help us to be long suffering with the Lord, to learn to accept His will and delight in it, but can also teach us how to be in our marriages. Knuckle down, roll up our sleeves and delight in our spouses, as we delight in the Lord. Suddenly those things that hurt us about life and the things that they do that annoy us will fade in the background covered by love and joy in the Lord!

Joy Comes in the Morning

I've had several struggles in this past week that have brought to light for me that the darkest hours really do come just before the dawn!
First, sadly, and I really do mean this, I'm not perfect. I should walk in perfect joy before the Lord, or rather with the Lord. However, there come days when this does not happen. When the first thought in the morning is not, "This is the day that the Lord has made I will rejoice and be glad in it!" rather it is more like, "What, I woke up again and this nightmare called life is still going on, AHHHHHHHHH!" Thankfully, these days only come about every 21 beautiful and dandy days! However, when they come they are dark and dreary and I am a shadow of myself. In fact, you wouldn't want to be around me. You ask, how can I be so sure? Perhaps, you like a challenge and you think that you would be able to conquer the ugliness that wells up! Well, I don't want to be around me, and I'm an easy going fun loving, love every body type of person, so I know that no one should have to be around me. In fact, I've decided that when Mark and I are under the same roof again, whenever that is, I'm going to move into the attic on these days! That way he can carry on about his day being joyful in the Lord and I can go and eat lots of chocolate and keep my darkness to myself!!
Secondly, God is working a miracle in my heart. I'm amazed how some people are so conscious of Mark's absence from my life and how that must be affecting me. They pray for me and love me. They lay their troubles to the side for a moment and ask me, how are you? How is Mark? And then there are others who pretend it isn't happening, that my husband is in my same house, that life goes on as if nothing were screwed up. At first, this made me angry, the rage I felt towards the "apparent" selfishness of these people was more than I could bear. I decided I was going to not speak to them ever again, that since they obviously didn't care I wasn't going to care for them. Again, thankfully, God stepped in and took that silliness away. He showed me that maybe people didn't bring it up because they didn't know how it would affect me. Would I fall apart? They might not know the Lord was carrying me!!! So I thought I would annotate here how to treat someone whose spouse is deployed for the next century, I mean year.
1) Ask how the spouse is? This is probably the most important thing, do not try to gloss over their absence. The spouse left behind feels their absence constantly, so asking acknowledges that you too are aware of the absence and makes the spouse feel real(hard to explain but sometimes it can feel like a dream someone forgot to wake you up from).
2)Ask them how they are and if you can help. This gives them an opportunity to either A) glorify the Lord(if they are Christian) and talk about how He is carrying them. This is important because it reminds them of that truth and lets them hear it as they say it!(even if you believe it to be bunk) B) It gives them the opportunity to cry on your shoulder if they happen to be on day 22 and not 1 - 21.
3) Don't shield them from topics. If your spouse is away for two weeks and you miss them, say it. They can commiserate with you and wish a speedy return. If you had a great date with your other half, tell them, then they get to share a great date story with you and helps them remember vividly a dandy moment they had with their spouse.
4) Don't imagine them a hair's breath away from insanity or depression. Day 22 is rough, but all the other day's are dandy fine and they are probably doing fine(if they are walking with the Lord; trod delicately on this one if not).
5) Just love them like business is usual, don't be standoffish or scared, they are the same person, just half and most likely wanting everything else in life to be normal with them. The abnormality of the absent spouse is enough for them, they don't need more weirdness.
6) If you or a family member have been to Iraq(or whatever country the spouse is deployed to) it is okay to tell stories from there. I actually had a hilarious but sad experience where one started telling me the story of their brother and said, "Yeah, he went and had to come back early because his foot was injured with an IED(explosive device the other side likes to use)." Somewhere in the back ground I heard a record player skip and the chap looked at me chagrinned and said, "That prolly wouldn't happen now that was in the beginning." I smiled and said, "I'm sorry that happened to your brother, have they been able to repair his foot?" He smiled, appreciative of my ability to cope with the fact that injuries happen in war zones and said, "Yep, he is going to be 100%." I told him that I was happy for him and his brother and to not be uncomfortable to tell me stories.

I don't know if you know any one else in my situation. There are thousands left behind in Fort Bragg and all over the US and so chances are good that you do, so I hope this helps. I am not alone in this and knowing that also helps me keep a good perspective of the situation.
Thank you everyone for your love, prayers and support. I can't tell you how much they mean to Mark and myself. And those of you who have been uncomfortable, I apologize to you for initially thinking the worst and I'm thankful that the Lord gave me His perspective!

I get a little stronger, thank the Lord!

This morning I woke to torrential rain and driving wind. My curtians blew in the wind even though my windows were shut tight. My wounded Chilli lie next to me for which I was thankful as it was cold as ice! The alarm was screaming in my ear and all I could think was wouldn't it be nice if today were Saturday. Sadly, knowing it was only Thursday I rose from the rack very reluctantly. As I was getting ready I could not get a conflict at work that happened yesterday out of my head and kept mulling it over and wondering if I handled it alright. I found myself stuck on that train of thought and finally started praying over it, that God would give me wisdom in all situations and keep me from being petty or "fleshy" as I like to call it. After I broke free from the what ifs of yesterday I found myself thinking about Chilli, although my hubby is fine with me getting a blue staffie boy when she passes on it doesn't make me less apprehensive about her death, just less lonely when thinking of it. There will never be another Chilli! My mind wondered on and I realized that my heart was ultimately hurting and raw because of the absence of my best friend. It is funny, all these other things were mere distractions for the real cause of my hurt, my Marklessness. I have to give praise to the Lord though because we get to talk so much and it is only God that sorted that out. I am so thankful and I have grown so much and changed so much as a result of the experience. God has walked me through fire so I tend to be very calm. I remembered 2006 when I was panicing about something and had sunk to the depths of depression I found a verse that described me to a T:
The Holy Bible, New International Version. Pradis CD-ROM:Jas 1:6.
But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.
I was the doubter, I had seen God work in a million ways in my life, my relationship had been so strong with Him before I got on the Shift schedule, so I knew what He could and would do for us, yet any mishap that cropped up and I was reeling. My husband was amazing and so inspiring as I watched him always be constant always be strong. He took his PCS quietly and always had something good to say about it. I on the other hand thought,
"Why is God doing this to us? Hadn't we spent enough time apart?" It wasn't until after Mark was gone that God started showing me all He planned. Like Romans 8:28:
The Holy Bible, New International Version. Pradis CD-ROM:Ro 8:28.
And we know that in all things God works for the good jof those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
So what about now, I found myself thinking this morning. Chilli was diagnosed with cancer, did I go crazy and into depression, nope I go to the Lord in prayer. Work has its hiccups, did I rage on and on when I got home, unable to think, nope I poured my heart out before the Lord and did those things I had committed to doing in the evening after work. I thanked the Lord as I walked out the door to my car, I was going to be such a better wife, daughter, sister and friend! I had already been, many people in my life now do not know the fleshy Dani, the real one that she is without the love and Holy Spirit changing her and making her better. They don't believe me when I tell them how I was and I sadly say,
"Ask Mark when he comes for a visit, he'll tell you in what a sad state I was in." I smiled as I started the car, God had brought me so far. I started backing out of the drive way and my car felt really funny, like it didn't want to move or as if I had left the emergency break on. I stopped the car and put the emergency break on, thinking I would check the tires. What should I see but my tire, flat as a pancake, what? Oh, dandy, I'll call work and figure out what else from there. Interesting, isn't it? The old Dani would have thrown a pity party about all the trials that can befall one little dandy Dani, but did I? Nope, I prayed the Lord would help me figure it out and even when I got out the manual to figure out the spare and it didn't go with my car did I get upset? Nope, I laughed out loud and called AA, they came to save the day! God is so good and life is too!