Makin' it one more day. . .

When Mark and I first separated I could only think of one thing, how fast can April 09 actually get here? This question was a heart wrenching one considering that I was asking it from January 07. This thought was literally drowning me. I was sure that I was never going to make it. I found myself contemplating how to put me in a coma for exactly that long, just wake up and there is Mark. Okay, coma was out of the question but what about just sleeping all the time, what I have a career I have to keep up with? It became desperate and at one point I thought,

“Well, this is it. No way out, no way through but to walk it and I can’t so I’m going to pray for death.” It was then that it dawned on me, more likely, the Lord opened my blind eyes and said,

“Hey, instead of focusing on the end, how about today? Or better yet, how about Me?” It was as if someone had turned on the light when you aren’t awake yet and all the light comes blazing in your eyes, while you are uncomfortable, you are awake! It was an uncomfortable thought, Dani was going to depend on someone else to keep her going and more importantly take care of her heart(which happened to be beating in Iraq)? My flesh was awake and uncomfortable, I didn’t want to relinquish what I perceived as control. I had always been a worrier and a control freak. I would have everything in my life just the way I want it and any other way is out of the question. Funny enough, Mark had always challenged that, not intentionally, just by being the man I fell head over heels for. In order to love Mark right I had to love him freely(how God loves us). God would not have us to be robots so He has always given us choices and allowed us to make them, loving us unconditionally through it all, from the garden to present day. How many times do we continually pick something else, something less, and He just keeps loving us, even sent His Son to save us! Hosea 3:1 is a good picture:
“The Lord said to me, “Go, show your love to your wife again, though she is loved by another and is an adulteress. Love her as the Lord loves the Israelites, though they turn to other gods and love the sacred raisin cakes.” What is it with food, always picking that over the Lord? But I digress. . .
So what did I learn this first bright light experience, first epiphany as it were?
1) We are supposed to focus on today and today alone. God takes care of all the rest.
“But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” Matt 6:33-34
2) Also during the hard times, if we are going to gain strength from Him we have to abide in Him. John 15:5 at its finest:
“I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.” *An important note, if we abide in Him all the time, I don’t think hard times would come as such a shock, but I’ll let you know after I have been abiding for awhile and the new hard times come. I am not superwoman, I am fragile as glass and many times have been convinced I was going to shatter into a million pieces but the Lord steps in and puts me together and helps me on my way. It is true when we are weak He is strong and praise the Lord for that!
Yes, it was the epiphany I needed to really get a jump start on this time of growing in my relationship with the Lord. What the world intended for evil the Lord was going to use for good in our lives.